Of course, in spite of the experts’
insistence they are “cutting-edge” innovators, they’re often reluctant to
abandon ideas they’ve long embraced and propounded—even if those ideas don’t
work. So twenty-something years after its initial appearance, the specter of
bestowing self-esteem as a motivator still haunts the classroom. But thanks to
books and articles I’ve read lately, I sense the ghost can soon be laid to its
final rest.
I’m sure we all have memories of the fire-breathing, draconic teacher
who managed the classroom through heavy-handed intimidation. I’m certainly not
advocating that method. But, surely, somewhere between tyrannical teaching and feeding
undeserving egos, a middle road exists.
I’m not a psychologist (never
even played one on TV), but I’ve read a lot on this subject, trying to make
sense of the nonsensical. Two works on which I’m drawing to write this post are
the book Generation Me, by Jean M.
Twenge, Ph. D and an article in the Wall
Street Journal by Sue Shellenbarger, dated February 27, 2013. Based on my personal experience as a parent
and teacher and based on what I’ve read, the following suggestions are some of
my ideas for a balanced approach to instilling confidence, not hyper-inflated egotism, in
children.
First and foremost, realize the operative word in self-esteem
is self. It should be earned, not
bestowed. High self-esteem is not a cause, a means of producing better results. It’s an
effect, a result of having worked hard to achieve an admirable goal. I’m not
saying children actually have to achieve that
goal. They just need to know they did their best in order to take satisfaction
in their effort. And kids are smart. They know when they don’t deserve that
trophy, gold star, high grade, praise, etc.
Allow children to feel bad about themselves sometimes. If they’ve
been mean or hurtful or dishonest, they probably should feel bad. It doesn’t
mean they can never be forgiven or have to carry guilt for the remainder of their
lives. And it doesn’t mean we withhold love from them. But that uncomfortable
feeling can be a goad to correct a misdeed or a deterrent to future bad
behavior. Several years ago I read that only the criminally insane have
continually high levels of self-esteem.
Recognize
that no one is good at everything. When we suggest that all children have
done all things equally well by handing out blanket rewards, we diminish the
special skills or talents of some and discourage hard work and perseverance.
(Before you start objecting, read my next point.)
Acknowledge
that everyone does something well. The “Good Sportsmanship Trophy” has
often been the butt of jokes. But you know what? Over the long haul, the
ability to encourage others or handle disappointment with grace or perspective
might well be a more valuable life-skill than throwing a mean curve-ball.
There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging skills such as those—as long as you
don’t give a good sportsmanship trophy to everyone on the team.
Do
give encouragement. There is a difference between giving encouragement and
doling out self-esteem. Encouragement develops self-control and self-discipline—two
assets that will serve a child exceedingly better than a trumped-up sense of
entitlement.
I’ve already overshot my word limit
on this post by about two hundred words, but I can’t close without making this
final point. If my suggestions sound uncaring or mean-spirited, consider the full
title of Twenge’s book: Generation Me: Why
Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More
Miserable Than Ever Before.
Your thoughts?
