When I read the article in the
paper, all those videos I’ve seen recently on Facebook began to make sense. Videos of imp-faced baby
goats frolicking in a pen, tumbling over each other, playing clever goat
versions of Leap Frog or King of the Mountain. Videos that made me want to run
out and buy one of those comical little critters for myself. Videos like this one.
Cuteness like that is hard to
resist. But, thankfully, I did. For one of the few times in my life, reason
prevailed as I realized a goat—even a small, cuddly one—is really a strip
mining project on four legs. In no time at all, one of those endearing
creatures would transform my yard into a setting for an apocalypse movie.
Apparently,
I’m not the only one to be lured by that clownish star of petting zoos everywhere.
Goat mania is rampant. Articles about them are popping up in major
publications, goat videos have gone viral, and goats are proving to be
effective marketing tools in commercials (although I personally find those
goats creepy). Goat Simulator, a new video game, has been a rainmaker for its
creators at Coffee Stain Studios. (Btw, doesn’t that name say it all about video
game companies?)
I’m glad goats are finally getting
some recognition because not only are they entertaining, they’re also quite
useful. An article in the Wall Street
Journal (1/15/15) reports that in Germany, goats have long been used as
therapy animals and are increasingly being used in business courses to teach
leadership skills. (To borrow Dave Barry’s line, I am not making this up.) In the
movie Cold Mountain—based on Charles
Frazier’s bestselling novel—there is a scene in which an old mountain woman claims
that for survival purposes, a person can’t do better than owning a few goats.
When alive, she says, a goat provides nourishment, clothing, companionship.
When it dies, it provides meat, and its skin provides shelter and warmth. She
says all this while gazing lovingly into a little goat’s trusting eyes. Then
she kills it. (I don’t want to know what it says about my psyche that this
scene stuck with me. But the goat’s death is quick and painless, and its blood
is used for medicinal purposes, so maybe I’m not too messed up—nothing a little
goat therapy couldn’t cure.)
Yes, it seems that right now the
multi-talented goat is all the rage. In the trend of barnyard- animals-as-pets,
goat is the new chicken. The WSJ article
claims “goats hit it big in 2013” and goes on to state, “Goats have become part
of our culture.” Like I said, I’m happy for the goats, but, as with all fads
concerning animals, I have concerns.
With goat popularity on the rise, it
is tempting join the ranks of goat owners. If you feel yourself yielding to that temptation, keep
these absolute requisites in mind. First, make sure you can afford to feed your
goat well and often. Otherwise, you’ll find it consuming everything from your
car’s bumpers to the family dog. (Even though goats are not normally
carnivores, in a feeding frenzy they sometimes forget that fact.) Second, get a
goat only if you have the space for it—space
as in a ranch roughly the size of Montana. If you live in a residential neighborhood
with a postage-stamp yard or even on a ranchette, please resist the urge to get
a playful kid for your kids. That charming little goat will
grow up. When the postman won’t deliver your mail for fear of being butted into
the next county or when you’re down to your last blade of grass and your shrubs
are no more than spiked nubs protruding from the ground, that goat will look
more satanic than cute. You’ll be carting him off to an animal shelter which most
likely has already reached its quota of gamboling goats. Either that, or your
children’s beloved pet might wind up as a meal you insist is beef stew.
